24 + 10

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my age and where I am mentally, spiritually and also how my personality changed. So I decided to compare myself to a younger brand of me. Of course, 18-year old Keith came to mind first, but everyone’s an idiot at 18.

So, I thought about me a decade ago. I was already on my own and exposed to the world, or at least moreso than Davidson had previously offered. I had been in school for 2 & 1/2 years and was living beside of campus in the Quad. I had just as little figured out then as I do now about a career, so I won’t delve into that. I’ll just stick to the basics here for time’s sake.

Mentally, I challenge myself far more than I did then. And yet, I know for a fact that my mind is not as sharp! Not in a major way though, like I can’t remember anything or I’m slow-cousin Jimmy with my humor. But things are slightly foggier at times. Things I wasn’t good at when I was a kid are ever so slightly worse now. I can’t find things. Jo says I don’t look hard enough, but it’s been a chink my armor since I was 5.

Segway from mental to spiritual, I don’t talk theology like I once did. I used to love talking about spiritual and theological issues for hours on end. I’ve sat up all night a few times talking to friends about things like the sovereignty of God and free-will versus election. I loved it! It made me feel more spiritual when I made points that others said were really good.

I let all that go during what I’ll call “the struggles”. I saw how I was so good at talking, yet not doing. I saw it for a long time and, ironically, did nothing about it. When I finally did, it was because I was forced to own up.

In many ways I’m finally back to where I was back then. Playing worship, finding joy in serving and walking that fine line between modesty, humility & knowing I’m finally doing what God wanted me to the whole time.

The main progression for me spiritually over the past ten years can be summarized by a phrase that Mike Ashcraft often uses. “Lord, humble me by your presence, so you don’t have to by my circumstances”. I was a fool when I was younger. Always thinking I could get away with everything. I was in no way humbled then and my circumstances were continually bringing me back to earth with a loud thump! A few good, hard thumps and you become much more aware of where your focus really is.

This is where my biggest struggle comes: my personality. When I was younger I was much more social. I made friends right and left. I never wanted to miss anything. I kept up with all of my friends. I cared about where they were and what they were doing. I was not reflective of my actions and words. I left a wake of hurt and didn’t care what people’s perception of me was, although I truly did. I wanted to be known as a tough dude! Came from years of being compared to all of my roughneck cousins. I womanized. Came from my need to feel more like a man. I didn’t want people to know what I was doing, but I quietly did. I wanted them to know what was up! I wanted to prove to them and myself that I was worthwhile. I was a real man.

Nowadays, I like socializing, but I can be completely alone just as easily. I find myself not caring quite as much about how much of a man I am. I just want to leave this world not being pigeon-holed. I want to be seen as a whole picture, not a single color. Not a one-trick pony. Not just “he drove a truck” or “he played guitar”. That I’m compassionate. I love art. I can be serious. I can be appropriate when it’s time. I can be discerning. I can make you laugh. I can laugh at or with you. I rarely laugh at the easy joke. Even though I put far too much attention on women until I found Jo, my passion was and is in the hearts of men. I can be comfortable in almost any situation, except maybe around lesbians. Sorry, if any lesbians are reading this I’m ok if I know you. Few things can be talked about that I can’t keep up with. I love my friends fiercely! I love music only second to Jesus and Jo. Jo may argue that when we get in the car to go somewhere. I love sports almost as much. I can talk about the Cowboys and Steelers in the 70s or the demise of Leeds and Newcastle United.

My personality then was driven by contempt and complacency. It’s driven now by a thirst for knowledge and the desire to be more complex and diverse than I once was.

If you’re still reading, sorry this got really long-winded!